Monday Musings

The “original plan” you ask? You know. Musing on Monday.

It seems like I’m always returning to the original plan. My prayer for a long time has been “God give me the grace to bear whatever comes this way.” Maybe I should start praying specifically about what comes this way, but all I can seem to pray and the only thing that makes sense, is that I’ll need grace to deal with whatever happens next. I need grace to deal with what’s already happened. I need grace to live each day. Bad things are going to happen. May I handle them gracefully. Good things will happen. May I be full of grace. Grace is foremost in my mind right now. May grace be foremost in my life, my mouth, my thoughts. I can’t seem to think of anything else, but what might happen, and may I bear it with grace.

Maybe I should change this to “Almost any day BUT Monday Musings.” There are testy people at work today. I’m not so self centered to think that I’m not one of them. I can notice and back off though. That is what must happen. I don’t like testiness or attitude, especially on my part, and not from anyone else either. School is fine. I’m fine. I have a long freaking drive this weekend. There and back. All I can think about it, is that I don’t feel like driving it. I’m tired, and my head hurts. I’m full of complaints today. Sorry. Dangit I’m grouchy.

I have a bad bad bad sore throat. That’s what I’m feeling today. My throat hurts. Ibuprofen helps. Hot cider helps. I think sleep would help, but I’m not sure. My life has not slowed down or stopped for this bump in the road. Well, ok, maybe it has a little. I was only able to run about a mile, before my throat was screaming so loud at me to go home or it was going to jump out of my mouth and leave me in the middle of the road throatless. So, I went home. I have not been feeling 100% lately about my physical appearance. I’ve been dealing with some issues. Some of it medication, some of it overeating, and then pretty much medicinal issues. Take 1 med to fix one thing, take another med to fix the side effects from that med, and on and on and on…..You’ve heard the story. It sucks. Workin’ on it. I’ll probably try to run tonight to. Stupid is as stupid does.

Once again, I am to head out of town this weekend. Everything is still wonderful, especially with that situation, but I am certainly not looking at it through rose colored glass. There are big question marks with the whole thing, and vast areas of unknowns. This could lead to happily ever after, and then again, it could lead to many tears and a very broken heart. This is the chance I’m taking.

Well for the 2 of you that keep up with this blog, I figured I would let you know why the posts will most likely be fewer and farther between. School started Monday the 23rd. Finding time to breathe will now be the exciting part of my day. I think I’ve found my groove with school though. I don’t really feel stressed at all. Now when I think, “Holy crap, I have alot to do,” I don’t start having heart palpatations, but just think it and know I’ll get done what I need to when I need to. Whewhew…….”that’s why I’m easy, easy like Sunday morning,” Stop that. Enough. I’m calm. It’s a good thing. Trust me. This semester feels like a new level in my life, hopefully moving up. I feel as though I’ve reached a new level of maturity and faith and I’m not sure what else. It’s the calmness. Makes me feel grownup. Only goofy thoughts floating through my head (that I will acknowledge), are the “I really miss my family” ones, and it’s true. I need them desperately during this time, but maybe, hopefully, I will be a better person for dealing with life without them.

On a completely different note, I wish that more people would comment. My brother and one of my best friends are the only ones that do, and I know how much they love me. If you are a complete stranger PLEASE give me some feedback. If you are not a complete stranger, and wish to remain anonymous then GO RIGHT AHEAD. I’m not so fragile. Thanks so much!

P.S. For the 2 of you that comment, please don’t stop. I appreciate your feedback a TON! Love ya!

Holy heck, what a day. Today was definitely the definition of Monday. I managed to piss off several people today. Whew, go me! I think for the most part, all issues are resolved. I refuse to get bogged down in the triviality of OTHER people’s issues. I bring it on myself, but I’m going to try harder NOT to do that.

Went on the great Hallmark hunt tonight. LOVE that store, they always “say it better!” Found some great cards for friends and others, and one so sappy and probably too serious I might just keep it for myself until I reach a level courage I do not yet have. Courage comes to me in spurts, so just because I don’t have it today doesn’t mean I won’t have it next week or maybe next month. Hallmark shopping had to be done today because school starts next week and then I’ll NEVER find the time to read every dang card in the store.

Milestone in my routine run tonight. I ran 3 miles tonight without one walk break. Truly, YAY me. I usually walk at some point though never for more than 60 seconds (yes I count). Also, as of lately, 3 miles is quite a feat. I’ve been running into an seemingly immovable wall for a couple of weeks, and it seems like it’s finally gone. No more walls! YAY! yay yay yay

Ok, I’m done. This is boring.

A beautiful thing is never perfect. - Egyptian Proverb

And perfect things are not always beautiful. Just remember that we are only reaching for perfection, and the beauty is in the journey. The name of this journey is life, and all that it encompasses…..the tragedy, the inspiration, the joy, the pain, the laughter and the tears….that is real unadulterated beauty. What is real is what is beautiful, and all that we hide behind is only a mask. To realize that the truth of what we hide within ourselves is not dirty, ugly and sinful, but the reality of humanity, is to release judgement instead of fulfill it.

Do you get it?

Anyone confused yet? Maybe I’ll write more to the random world of bloggers if I don’t hold myself to the pressure of trying to be so….umm…..DEEP. Let’s take the wading boots off today, and stick to the shallow end of the sh*t. Everybody cool with that? Good. Me too.

Let’s see….what to address first. The year is swinging back into full gear as of Monday the 16th. My daughter will start her kindergarten year. No way, I’m too young to have a kindergartner. I swear to you, just yesterday, she was the most beautiful little Ninny Baby you ever saw! She’s walking and talking and has the smartest mouth of any 5 year old I’m sure. I feel very fortunate to have a normal child. Poor thing doesn’t have normal parents, but who does? Normal is relative…wait…that’s wrong….none of my relatives are normal. Let’s just stop this before we have to pull out the waders.

Exactly a week after she goes back to school, then I must return to the institute for higher learning. You thought I was going to say institution didn’t you? That’s not nice. I embrace the lunacy that defines me, and there are those that would gladly embrace my lunacy also! Believe it, or not. Trust me, all this rambling and craziness just gets worse once school starts back. I asked for it. I brought this on myself. This is supposed to make it easier because I decided to do this. Just imagine who and what I would be if I had not made this decision all by my-freaking-self. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

Now for all of you who have not figured out yet that I live a whirlwind life, let me add to the little tornado that is my family (i.e. myself and my daughter). I have just jumped on the couples bandwagon. Holymoly Batman! Long distance relationship with obstacles 100 times bigger than love, it’s like an ad in the personals section in HELL. If the 2 of us can survive 1. my family 2. my ex 3. long distance and last but certainly not least 4. school then we are soulmates meant to conquer the world. Cross your fingers, but I will not be responsible for anyone who holds their breath.

Finally, I’ve returned to the original plan of musing on a Monday. I’m exhausted. This summer has been travel, travel, travel. I’m tired. I’m in a state of shock that it’s already August. This summer has gone by in the blink of an eye. My wee one starts back to school in 2 weeks, and I start back in 3 weeks. There have been no hugely exciting trips except for one. Beginning of July I traveled to North Carolina for 10 days. It was FABULOUS. I was able to bask in Nature’s beauty, and relax in the company of my very best friends. There are not words to describe how wonderful this trip was, so I will just leave it at that. I have taken several small trips, and have enjoyed them immensely. I feel like a different person. This has been an incredible summer. Amazing, perfect. There are still no words to describe how wonderful it has been. Thank you, God. Such things are still possible even when you’re no longer a kid. The summer of 2004 will go down as one of the greatest.

Well, here I am, struggling to articulate all that is churning within the dark recesses of my consciousness. My brother, Lafe, mentioned something about contenment in one of his posts, and it suddenly occured to me, that I, after many years of restlessness, heartache and a general constant struggle to live each day, am finally content. Not content meaning that I want to stay right where I am, and am perfectly happy with who I am and where I am right now, no. But content in the fact that I’m happy with where I am going, with the path I have chosen, and content with who I am becoming. I am content with my goals, and content to play with the hand I’ve been dealt. It seems that I’ve been in the “winter of my discontent” for so long, that when the revelation hit, that’s exactly what it was, a revelation.

If this is all the sadness I’m having to deal with right now, then I am truly blessed. I wrecked my car yesterday, and as much frustration as this may inflict up on me, it does not cause any tears to spring to my eyes. This is not sad, it’s just annoying. Ultimately, it just makes me feel stupid. It was my fault. It could’ve been worse. All these things are just part of the process to get over what’s done and cannot be changed. My SO offered to pay to have my car fixed. This is something I cannot allow to be done for me. One day it will be ok for me to depend on someone for something like that, but it doesn’t seem like the smart thing to do right now. I will borrow the money to get my car fixed. Not a big deal. It meant a great deal to me just for the offer to be made. I like that. I like this. I like feeling valued, and wanted. Who doesn’t? I have no profound thoughts today, just a wrecked car and sentimental sense about me. Go figure.

Now that I have joined the rest of you random “bloggers” I feel a great pressure to keep up with my blog by…well, by “blogging.” Seems when other people might be reading what I write I don’t have nearly so much to say. Makes perfect sense to me. At the same time, sense I have almost no comments (other than the ones from my brother and my very close friend), seems as though no one is reading this ‘one of many’ random blogs. I never thought I was more interesting than anyone else, but it’s never been quite so “in my face.” Facts, truth….blech. Seems I am in the middle of something very new, and something very foreign to me right now. Go figure. Right now, today, I am with someone. I tend to remain skeptical when it comes to “love,” thus the reason for the present tense terms. I have been married once, and I have had past boyfriends, but never have I been with someone as joyfully as I am with this someone. We have our obstacles and our issues, and sometimes, it seems we might even be able to tackle and conquer them. But, once again, I remain skeptical and must certainly live only in the now, and not the tomorrow. Of course, I dream of the future, and hope for more in my simple little life but to dream and hope is to want. To want, in most cases, leads to tragic disappointment. Tragic disappointment leads to growth and strength, or insanity (heh). I’m still leaning towards growth and strength, and embrace whatever insanity I’ve already acquired.

Moments come and go, and I’m in a coming moment right now. Decisions creep up on one many times with forsight and time to meditate, and then there are the times when you know a decision is coming, but when it hits you’re no more prepared for it than when it’s presence became known. I’m in this moment. I have a decision to make. To sit down and decide pro’s and con’s, for or against such a decision is useless. The equality between the reasons for and against is absurd. I’m anxious. I’m vascillating, and feeling it physically. To me, this is a big decision. Since I have decided to go public with this blog, there may be those of you out there that might be curious as to what exactly I am talking about, but the anonymity such vagueness provides is like an umbrella to my indecision.

I have not limited myself to “musing” purely on Mondays because of the title of my weblog. I tend to muse quite frequently when I have serious downtime. I’m utterly exhausted right now. I’m in crash mode after the vacation, and my little one comes home tomorrow. Down time will be scarce once she steps foot back into the house. She is the epitome of what good can come from such destruction. If we can just get through everything without major scars, I will be relieved. Unfortunately, I’m a pro with wounds and scars, whether they be mental, emotional, spiritual. Survival is the key to my success. I am a survivor and very successful at it. In the big scheme of things, my life seems so short, but everything has become funny. After so much, the absurdity becomes amusing. Relief comes in waves, infrequently, but it always comes. Count on it. When I think I can’t take anymore, I always can. There’s always more.

My heart is full. My heart is calm. My heart is overjoyed, and strangely peaceful. My life is what it is, and will become what it will become. All I can do is live each day to the fullest making the choices I know to be best, and learning from the things I know nothing about. These statements are not profound, but when taking a leap of faith and risking heartbreak once again, knowing these things, and coming to accept such ideas are my giant leaps into the future. I will settle for nothing less than what I am supposed to have, but even in saying that I am segregating all that’s already happened in my life to a small box of what I believe to be right. I know in my life that the good things that have happened to me have not been what I deserve at all but precious gifts from God for which I shall choose to always be grateful. The heartbreak, the pain, the tears, the sadness have all come from profound love, unimaginable greatness, and often times in my humanness severe mental impairment and depraved “settling.” There is too much to be gained from even the hardest lesson not to embrace all that comes from living life, than living fear. Today, I am happy. This moment I cherish. Those that I love, I cherish. Being able to love, that is my passion. My search has always been “What is my purpose?” and now if I never learn fully my purpose then I can know that my purpose is to fully love. Allowing love to come to me, that is my gift. God’s love and God’s passion, through others, the ultimate gift, having been paid for with an inconceivable sacrifice. Today, I am grateful.

It is Monday. Something extra-ordinary has happened today. It is not something I feel ready to share with the rest of the world. It is not something that I seem to be able to express in any kind of art form. I tried to write a poem. I tried to make sense of it by making it rhyme, but came up shallow. Seems poetry and prose have left me for heavy ponderings and disjointed musings. Maybe this “extraordinary” something is not to be thought on just now. Maybe this is only the beginning of a new journey, a whole new segment in my life. Change is frightening. I am somewhat frightened at the possibility of a coming great change. It has not happened, or am I only delaying the inevitable by telling myself such a thing? It is time now to go run it out of my system. I look forward to running so hard, sweating till my clothes are soaked through, and struggling to breathe when it seems impossible. That’s one way to distract myself from all the strangeness.