YAY, another musing on Monday
Three exams this week. Yick. Truly the only thing tougher about this semester than the others is the schedule, but certainly not the classes. Keep your fingers crossed, and hope I don’t kick myself in the behind for that comment later. I had a bitter sweet weekend. I visited my family this weekend, and had a wonderful time. It was emotional for me to leave. When I’m with them, it’s in my face how much I need them and miss them. I want my family. I want them here with me, and I want them NOW!
The bitter part of the weekend? Maybe you can tell from previous postings that I tend to be very vague about the things that hurt me. It’s part of my coping mechanism. It does get better, so why record it? Pain will be a constant in life. I accept it. I do not embrace pain, but I have learned to embrace growth and wisdom. I’m so far from perfect. I know many of you out there are shocked by this. Believe me, I am as disappointed as you are. I’ll work on perfection and see how far I get. I certainly have my idiosyncrasies, and my damaged spots. “What do you mean damaged spots?” Put me in a particular situation, and even I’m not sure how I will react or feel. So many behaviours are conditioned, and many of mine are quite defensive and protective of the areas I’m most vulnerable. How do you get over these things? I’m not sure. Maybe knowing something is not right is the first step, but what the hell is the second step? You feel the way you feel whether it’s right or wrong. If I can say to myself “the way I’m feeling right now is wrong…how should I feel?”, and then on top of that change the way I feel….well…..Oh my stars I will have found one of the secrets of the universe. Maybe not, but sometimes that’s the way I feel.
you feel the way you feel, i don’t think you need to change that. be aware of it, consider what might be the reasons for it, consider them honestly at least with yourself. make sure you have friends to hold onto because sometimes the things you face you can’t deal with alone. when you can be aware of the way you feel, and you understand the reasons behind the feelings, i think they lose their grip on you. you can still choose to feel them if you want to, you don’t lose who you are, you are just no longer crippled by these things.
there may be more to it than this, i feel like i’m getting pretty old, but i’m still very young in that regard and i’m sure i’ll learn a whole lot more than i know now in my life. but that’s what i’ve experienced myself so far. if any of that gives you any hope or courage, then i’m happy to have gone through the things i’ve gone through so that i can give you that. it’s one of those things we have that can’t be taken away, but can be given away and still kept to give away again. i think those things are the best things in life besides the friends you share them with.
good luck on your exams and your semester!
Comment by babybird — 9/14/2004 @ 5:43 am