The In-Between
We’re in the in-between. It’s after Christmas, and 3 more days till 2005. Christmas was fabulous. Only thing missing was my daughter. Shared custody sucks. Big hole. Right in the middle of my chest. Where my heart should be. But she’s home now, and all is well. I decided on my way home that I’m living 2 lives. One person, two lives. My heart is in 2 different places, but I’m the same person. Once again, here’s me, not understanding. It just is what it is. Tomorrow I’m off again. I’m a world traveler, traversing 2 whole states. But have you seen Texas? We will spend New Year’s with my family, AND my SO will be flying in to meet the fam. This is my life getting interesting. Things have been so pleasant, and I’ve felt so content (in some ways). Sometimes I recognize the child in myself all over again. Excitement over what could be, but then the grown up rears it’s ugly head of dread over what has been. To quote a poem once again:
“See this as I do and you’ll know
My past does not dictate who I’ll become
Misunderstand me not, it contributes to how I grow
Because I embrace the controversy I come from
With these steps I rise above the obstacles
That would prevent me from being all that I should
And spit in the face of the evil jackals
That wish me failure, and laugh at me, they would”
I’ve made it through another year. Each semester kicks my ass, but I’ve got calluses on my backside, so we’re good. My child is happy and healthy. She has survived. We’re good. We are good. I want to cry with relief. (Let’s see how the new year starts.)