Monday Musings

I had a fabulous Thanksgiving. I enjoyed seeing all of my family. My child had a good time, and the best part of all of it was that she and I got to spend so much time together without school and work and shared parenting interrupting us. It was wonderful. Now my longing for school to be out is becoming insanely intense. Only 2 more weeks. This week I have a group presentation and an exam in Biology. Next week is all finals. I’m almost done. The light at the end of the tunnel is shining brightly, I just have to stay on my feet long enough to get there.

It’s funny, to think about, but I realized sitting here, just now that almost all of my time not in school is planned and accounted for. Whatever happened to down time? Seems like there’s not much of it left for me anymore. My daughter, work, school and now a Significant Other…….all of these things/people are quite demanding. Ultimately, I love it. I have not forgotten the time when I hardly knew what each day was for. I have healed through the passage of time, and I am thankful for that.

Maybe each time I post here, I will write something I am thankful for.

It is the week of Thanksgiving. How thankful I am for that! Why? I get 3 1/2 days off of school. THANK GOD! When I come back, there’s only 2 weeks of school left. THANK GOD! So you see, there is much to be grateful for. In all seriousness, there is VERY much to be thankful for, I just don’t have the energy or time to list every single thing. I’ll list a few, beginning with these:

I am thankful for my beautiful, perfect child.
I am thankful for my faith.
I am thankful for my mind.
I am thankful for my family(no matter how absent).
I am thankful for being given the most wonderful friends a person can have.
I am thankful for love.

It’s a small grouping of some of the things I am most thankful for. How vague can a list be? I reread it, and think how little that list conveys how absolutely grateful I am for each and every one.

I will be traveling this week. Going to see the fabulous fam. I’m afraid this year it will only be a small grouping, but time is worth it none the less. My mind is overactive when it comes to writing about my family, but actually putting it all into words, transposing from thoughts is a task I’ll not take on today.

It seems so sad to me that this little bitty blog in my little bitty corner of my little bitty world, is my little bitty contribution to the this great big world. So with all the millions of people connected by the great “world wide web,” two of you get it. It hit me this evening, that I bare a little bit of my soul each time I write on here, and there’s not one good reason for it. To say this seems useless, is useless. What will change about my musings, by sharing them? It takes the edge off loneliness. Here’s what I think. Here’s what I feel. There I shared it, and that is cleansing. To quote a poem:

“The road chosen for me
Will never be easy
Because it has been decided
That I can abide it”

This is my life, and it is what I can handle. No more than that. Whether I’m wrong or not, I will always be me, and be the one looking for good in everything. There’s a need to connect, and this my way of trying. Sometimes someone comes along and the connection is immediate and fierce, and just as quickly it’s gone. Maybe there’s too much energy in such a connection. The force is too much to sustain on earth, it cannot last. Scientifically, physiologically, psychologically there is a level that if you hit it, it is unsustainable, possibly too much for the human psyche. What do you think?

What induces that strange feeling that something is not quite right? that feeling that you have done something horribly wrong? Maybe, it’s only brought on by the feeling the day before that nothing could be more right. It’s a roller coaster. My life is a roller coaster, and I’ve just learned to live with the adrenaline and the nausea. We’re crawling back up the hill now, with the anticipation that once we hit the top, it’s all back down from there. One day was someone will read this crap, and say “This makes sense to me.” Ha!