Monday Musings

Well, here I am, struggling to articulate all that is churning within the dark recesses of my consciousness. My brother, Lafe, mentioned something about contenment in one of his posts, and it suddenly occured to me, that I, after many years of restlessness, heartache and a general constant struggle to live each day, am finally content. Not content meaning that I want to stay right where I am, and am perfectly happy with who I am and where I am right now, no. But content in the fact that I’m happy with where I am going, with the path I have chosen, and content with who I am becoming. I am content with my goals, and content to play with the hand I’ve been dealt. It seems that I’ve been in the “winter of my discontent” for so long, that when the revelation hit, that’s exactly what it was, a revelation.

If this is all the sadness I’m having to deal with right now, then I am truly blessed. I wrecked my car yesterday, and as much frustration as this may inflict up on me, it does not cause any tears to spring to my eyes. This is not sad, it’s just annoying. Ultimately, it just makes me feel stupid. It was my fault. It could’ve been worse. All these things are just part of the process to get over what’s done and cannot be changed. My SO offered to pay to have my car fixed. This is something I cannot allow to be done for me. One day it will be ok for me to depend on someone for something like that, but it doesn’t seem like the smart thing to do right now. I will borrow the money to get my car fixed. Not a big deal. It meant a great deal to me just for the offer to be made. I like that. I like this. I like feeling valued, and wanted. Who doesn’t? I have no profound thoughts today, just a wrecked car and sentimental sense about me. Go figure.

Now that I have joined the rest of you random “bloggers” I feel a great pressure to keep up with my blog by…well, by “blogging.” Seems when other people might be reading what I write I don’t have nearly so much to say. Makes perfect sense to me. At the same time, sense I have almost no comments (other than the ones from my brother and my very close friend), seems as though no one is reading this ‘one of many’ random blogs. I never thought I was more interesting than anyone else, but it’s never been quite so “in my face.” Facts, truth….blech. Seems I am in the middle of something very new, and something very foreign to me right now. Go figure. Right now, today, I am with someone. I tend to remain skeptical when it comes to “love,” thus the reason for the present tense terms. I have been married once, and I have had past boyfriends, but never have I been with someone as joyfully as I am with this someone. We have our obstacles and our issues, and sometimes, it seems we might even be able to tackle and conquer them. But, once again, I remain skeptical and must certainly live only in the now, and not the tomorrow. Of course, I dream of the future, and hope for more in my simple little life but to dream and hope is to want. To want, in most cases, leads to tragic disappointment. Tragic disappointment leads to growth and strength, or insanity (heh). I’m still leaning towards growth and strength, and embrace whatever insanity I’ve already acquired.

Moments come and go, and I’m in a coming moment right now. Decisions creep up on one many times with forsight and time to meditate, and then there are the times when you know a decision is coming, but when it hits you’re no more prepared for it than when it’s presence became known. I’m in this moment. I have a decision to make. To sit down and decide pro’s and con’s, for or against such a decision is useless. The equality between the reasons for and against is absurd. I’m anxious. I’m vascillating, and feeling it physically. To me, this is a big decision. Since I have decided to go public with this blog, there may be those of you out there that might be curious as to what exactly I am talking about, but the anonymity such vagueness provides is like an umbrella to my indecision.

I have not limited myself to “musing” purely on Mondays because of the title of my weblog. I tend to muse quite frequently when I have serious downtime. I’m utterly exhausted right now. I’m in crash mode after the vacation, and my little one comes home tomorrow. Down time will be scarce once she steps foot back into the house. She is the epitome of what good can come from such destruction. If we can just get through everything without major scars, I will be relieved. Unfortunately, I’m a pro with wounds and scars, whether they be mental, emotional, spiritual. Survival is the key to my success. I am a survivor and very successful at it. In the big scheme of things, my life seems so short, but everything has become funny. After so much, the absurdity becomes amusing. Relief comes in waves, infrequently, but it always comes. Count on it. When I think I can’t take anymore, I always can. There’s always more.

My heart is full. My heart is calm. My heart is overjoyed, and strangely peaceful. My life is what it is, and will become what it will become. All I can do is live each day to the fullest making the choices I know to be best, and learning from the things I know nothing about. These statements are not profound, but when taking a leap of faith and risking heartbreak once again, knowing these things, and coming to accept such ideas are my giant leaps into the future. I will settle for nothing less than what I am supposed to have, but even in saying that I am segregating all that’s already happened in my life to a small box of what I believe to be right. I know in my life that the good things that have happened to me have not been what I deserve at all but precious gifts from God for which I shall choose to always be grateful. The heartbreak, the pain, the tears, the sadness have all come from profound love, unimaginable greatness, and often times in my humanness severe mental impairment and depraved “settling.” There is too much to be gained from even the hardest lesson not to embrace all that comes from living life, than living fear. Today, I am happy. This moment I cherish. Those that I love, I cherish. Being able to love, that is my passion. My search has always been “What is my purpose?” and now if I never learn fully my purpose then I can know that my purpose is to fully love. Allowing love to come to me, that is my gift. God’s love and God’s passion, through others, the ultimate gift, having been paid for with an inconceivable sacrifice. Today, I am grateful.