I feel disconnect?  Why?  I don’t know.  So I’ll sit here and put down some words and try to reconnect. 

School is back in session.  That could be a big problem with the disconnection feeling.  School is VERY consumming.  The dishes need to be done.  I have enough homework right now to last me a lifetime and that does NOT include the dishes or the laundry or the dusting or vacuuming or the million other things that need to be done.  Oh my goodness, the car needs to be cleaned.  And school and work, well, there’s ALWAYS sick people. 

I have absolutely nothing to complain about, but here I am sounding complainy.  Is this as good as it gets?  Does one ever feel absolutely perfect?  And yet, there is always a story sadder than your own.  Have you ever noticed that? 

The lesson I try to teach my child….”It’s not about wanting more, it’s about wanting what you have.”  I have alot to learn, even from myself.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  To try to teach my child the things I’m still learning myself? 

My faith will see me through another day. It has carried me through everyday. Thank goodness my faith is bigger than I am. Even when I can’t feel it, it goes on. Just because sometimes, I may doubt, it doesn’t change the truth. Truth never changes. Thank God for that. Grace. Can’t live without it.

(To you: What are you doing? What are you thinking? Are you ok? Do you think this was the right decision to? Are you sad to?[What if I’m wrong?])

It’s nice to be happy, especially while still experiencing all other adjectives with which to describe life. Anger. Sadness. Peace. Confusion. Clarity……………blah blah blah. When you don’t know where to go, then where do you go? I can’t just sit right where I am and wait for the answer. Can I? What if it never comes? I’m a trudger. I trudge on through regardless of haze and fog. The haze and fog always clear. Life tends to be unforgiving if you’ve gone the wrong way at some point though. How many people actually receive a sign having asked for one? May I have a sign? A really obvious, undeniable SIGN. What is the right thing to do? What is the absolute wrong thing?

School is great. I have a summer session starting next week. I’ll have another month-plus off after that. It’ll be a relief. By this time next year, hopefully, I’ll have taken and passed my boards and I will be a registered nurse. A new chapter shall begin.

The weekend shall be telling. Pray that it is clear with nothing but blue skies………….please, God, no haze and/or fog.

Happy Memorial Day

Everything seems to have worked out beautifully. This semester is much more tolerable than last semester, because of work. I work when my child is with her dad, and I get to be home when she’s home. I don’t even think she notices how busy I am. I work on homework after she goes to bed, and I haven’t heard “Mommy, I wish you would quit school,” in ages. Thank God! We’re functioning! I’m working as a Nurse Tech in the ER. I LOVE my job. We get skills galore down there, and the practice is invaluable.

Last semester was such a bonding time for all of us in the nursing program, and it seems so different, personally, this semester. We started off with major drama and gossip, and I can’t stand that stuff. It makes me sick to my stomach. Things have settled down now for the most part, but I’ve distanced myself from so many because I don’t want to deal with it. You know? I have to go to school with these people for the next year and a half. Let’s be grownups.

My significant other and I are still going strong. I think. He just moved to be closer to me. We were 4 1/2 hrs apart, and now it’s only 1 1/2 hrs. That’s just a hop, skip and jump away, comparatively. We’ve seen each other quite alot in the last few weeks since the move. This should be good. It is. Major adjustment for him, and for some reason it’s turning out to be a major one for me. I haven’t figured that one out yet. Probably just the paralyzing fear I seem to get when someone moves in closer to my personal space. That makes me vulnerable. That’s never been a great place for me to be, but hope dictates that I bask in the warm glow of a healthy relationship and the possibilities that surround us.

Have I mentioned that I’m exhausted? My life is not only completely jam-packed full, but emotionally and spiritually I’m drained. Nursing is not just medicine. It’s psychology and ministry and friendship and advisor. It’s everything I’ve always wanted to be rolled into one (except singing, but I didn’t have a whole lot of control on that one.) I’m learning to cope with the changes and leave work/school at work/school. It’s coming to me, but slowly. The things I always thought would knock me over, strangely don’t. And the things that most people wouldn’t think twice about are the things that really touch me. How does that work? Maybe you prepare so well for the hard things (ie. what to feel, think etc…), that we leave the door wide open to be touched by someone’s dirty feet, or the toothless grin of a homeless man, the love and hate that we all see every day. My life has been threatened. I’ve been hit. I’ve gotten blood and vomit and poop all over me, and I wouldn’t change any of it (though, I’m not a big fan of poop). These are the things that will make me a better person. The value of the smallest thing you can do for someone else is priceless. If I could just make one person understand that. Smile. Say hello. Hold the door open for someone. Remember it was the straw that broke the camels back, not the weight of the load. The little things, people, the little things.

If I can help you, I will. I’m only me, and I’m only human. Say something to me though. Leave me a message. Let me know you’re out there.

Some days I’m cursed with survival, and some it is my gift. Today it is my curse. Tomorrow it will be my gift. I’m tired. Tomorrow I’ll still be tired, but it’ll be ok. It will all be ok.

I resigned from my job. Sounds like a really responsible thing for a single mom to do right? Not right. I’m PANICKED. Beyond that actually. I’m terrified, but ultimately I’m terrified to stay where I am. I’ve never been one to blossom in mediocrity. Go figure. What higher purpose has called my name and challenged me to be more than what I am? People. I’m here for YOU, people. I have a need to serve those around me, to help them, and hear them and hopefully make them feel better, even in a small way. What better way to do that than nursing. No, I’m not deluded. The bedpans are reeking my name already. Woohoo!

How will I survive? I don’t have a job! I have a child! a CHILD! I HAVE A CHILD!!!!! Common sense says, “Forget it. You can’t do this. You have to FEED your CHILD!” Me “Screw you, Common Sense! I will feed my child so much BETTER if I do this. AND no one will have to help me.” But ummmmm, yes, until I finish nursing school I will need help. Help! I do have an amazing support system where I am, and hopefully somehow we’ll get through this with no major catastrophies, no nervous breakdowns, and my child hopefully will not forget what I look like. (I’ll put pictures of myself where ever she may go, and whisper in her ear at night “It’s for you too, it’s for you toooooo………”) I’m excited, about graduation day. Ask me then, and I will tell you I’m excited. Besides everyone keeps saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” Do you think they say this because they’re not me? I’m trying not to make it hard to be me.

By the way, Europe was amazing. Did I say anything about that? I’ll figure out how to post some pictures, though they don’t convey nearly what we saw while we were there. Wow! I highly recommend a Mediterranean cruise. Yeah baby!

In less than 2 days, I will board a plane bound for Venice, Italy. Italy, Greece, Turkey, France and Spain HERE I COME!!! Yeeehaw! I’ll be back late on July 15th. Thank God for small miracles! Who gets to do these kind of things? I’m amazed and humbled that I have this opportunity and that I can actually go.

This trip comes on the heels of being accepted to nursing school. I have been planning and preparing for that, and am falling extremely short in the area of finances. At this point, I’m standing on faith because, apparently, that’s about all I have to stand on.

Y’all don’t miss me too much. I know how much you enjoy my frequent posting. Say a prayer, and cross your fingers for school!

Bon Voyage!

P.S. You know I might blog more if I knew somebody was reading this nonsense!