Monday Musings

Still, still, still….do I title too many posts with this word? 

I feel disconnect?  Why?  I don’t know.  So I’ll sit here and put down some words and try to reconnect. 

School is back in session.  That could be a big problem with the disconnection feeling.  School is VERY consumming.  The dishes need to be done.  I have enough homework right now to last me a lifetime and that does NOT include the dishes or the laundry or the dusting or vacuuming or the million other things that need to be done.  Oh my goodness, the car needs to be cleaned.  And school and work, well, there’s ALWAYS sick people. 

I have absolutely nothing to complain about, but here I am sounding complainy.  Is this as good as it gets?  Does one ever feel absolutely perfect?  And yet, there is always a story sadder than your own.  Have you ever noticed that? 

The lesson I try to teach my child….”It’s not about wanting more, it’s about wanting what you have.”  I have alot to learn, even from myself.  Does that make me a hypocrite?  To try to teach my child the things I’m still learning myself? 

It’s 1:30 a.m. I have to be up at 5 a.m. and get my child dropped off and myself to the hospital to care for patients by 6:45 a.m. I’m so tired. I need sleep. I have a million thoughts running through my head. How can things that were so clear yesterday be so hazy today? My mind is like Texas weather. Hmph.

My faith will see me through another day. It has carried me through everyday. Thank goodness my faith is bigger than I am. Even when I can’t feel it, it goes on. Just because sometimes, I may doubt, it doesn’t change the truth. Truth never changes. Thank God for that. Grace. Can’t live without it.

Sometimes, making up your mind is hard to do. But when you finally get around to it, it’s usually the right thing. I sound like Folger’s commercial or something. I make decisions all the time. This last one, the difficult one, the one that was ripping me from the inside out…..well, it’s done. It hurts. Ouch. Sometimes, I wish I were wrong, and that if I am, someone would tell me. I guess I’m not wrong. Hah. I’m not saying I’m NEVER wrong either, but this time, I was right. That’s not always fun. It’s so not fun right now. I wanted to be wrong. It took so long to make this decision because I so desperately wanted to be wrong. I don’t like talking about this. That is why I’m being vague. I’m good at vague. Allude to everything but reality????? I was angry. I was mad. I’m not angry or mad anymore. I’m just sad. I take comfort in knowing I did the right thing, but that does not lessen the sad.

(To you: What are you doing? What are you thinking? Are you ok? Do you think this was the right decision to? Are you sad to?[What if I’m wrong?])

Have you ever heard a song you could feel? The kind of song when the notes vibrate your insides as if revealing some universal secret? Nope. Not going to tell you what it is. It’s not my favorite song, but the notes and words seem to be understood by every cell in my body. Why will I not share what it is? If it doesn’t speak to you, within you, the same way it does me, then what will you think? I’d just rather you think me crazy without having hardcore proof I will tell you who it’s by. Perhaps we’ll make a game of it. If you can figure out which one, then I will reveal what the song is. The artists performing this “secret-sharing” song are called Death Cab for Cutie.

It’s nice to be happy, especially while still experiencing all other adjectives with which to describe life. Anger. Sadness. Peace. Confusion. Clarity……………blah blah blah. When you don’t know where to go, then where do you go? I can’t just sit right where I am and wait for the answer. Can I? What if it never comes? I’m a trudger. I trudge on through regardless of haze and fog. The haze and fog always clear. Life tends to be unforgiving if you’ve gone the wrong way at some point though. How many people actually receive a sign having asked for one? May I have a sign? A really obvious, undeniable SIGN. What is the right thing to do? What is the absolute wrong thing?

School is great. I have a summer session starting next week. I’ll have another month-plus off after that. It’ll be a relief. By this time next year, hopefully, I’ll have taken and passed my boards and I will be a registered nurse. A new chapter shall begin.

The weekend shall be telling. Pray that it is clear with nothing but blue skies………….please, God, no haze and/or fog.

Happy Memorial Day

I’m full swing in the middle of nursing school. I’m almost finished with my second semester. I LOVE this stuff. It’s a wonderful feeling, to know you’ve made a decision so right. Sometimes I worry that I enjoy it too much.

Everything seems to have worked out beautifully. This semester is much more tolerable than last semester, because of work. I work when my child is with her dad, and I get to be home when she’s home. I don’t even think she notices how busy I am. I work on homework after she goes to bed, and I haven’t heard “Mommy, I wish you would quit school,” in ages. Thank God! We’re functioning! I’m working as a Nurse Tech in the ER. I LOVE my job. We get skills galore down there, and the practice is invaluable.

Last semester was such a bonding time for all of us in the nursing program, and it seems so different, personally, this semester. We started off with major drama and gossip, and I can’t stand that stuff. It makes me sick to my stomach. Things have settled down now for the most part, but I’ve distanced myself from so many because I don’t want to deal with it. You know? I have to go to school with these people for the next year and a half. Let’s be grownups.

My significant other and I are still going strong. I think. He just moved to be closer to me. We were 4 1/2 hrs apart, and now it’s only 1 1/2 hrs. That’s just a hop, skip and jump away, comparatively. We’ve seen each other quite alot in the last few weeks since the move. This should be good. It is. Major adjustment for him, and for some reason it’s turning out to be a major one for me. I haven’t figured that one out yet. Probably just the paralyzing fear I seem to get when someone moves in closer to my personal space. That makes me vulnerable. That’s never been a great place for me to be, but hope dictates that I bask in the warm glow of a healthy relationship and the possibilities that surround us.

Have I mentioned that I’m exhausted? My life is not only completely jam-packed full, but emotionally and spiritually I’m drained. Nursing is not just medicine. It’s psychology and ministry and friendship and advisor. It’s everything I’ve always wanted to be rolled into one (except singing, but I didn’t have a whole lot of control on that one.) I’m learning to cope with the changes and leave work/school at work/school. It’s coming to me, but slowly. The things I always thought would knock me over, strangely don’t. And the things that most people wouldn’t think twice about are the things that really touch me. How does that work? Maybe you prepare so well for the hard things (ie. what to feel, think etc…), that we leave the door wide open to be touched by someone’s dirty feet, or the toothless grin of a homeless man, the love and hate that we all see every day. My life has been threatened. I’ve been hit. I’ve gotten blood and vomit and poop all over me, and I wouldn’t change any of it (though, I’m not a big fan of poop). These are the things that will make me a better person. The value of the smallest thing you can do for someone else is priceless. If I could just make one person understand that. Smile. Say hello. Hold the door open for someone. Remember it was the straw that broke the camels back, not the weight of the load. The little things, people, the little things.

If I can help you, I will. I’m only me, and I’m only human. Say something to me though. Leave me a message. Let me know you’re out there.

“..How much can this heart take
Will there be a final break
Is survival my gift
Or is survival my curse”

Some days I’m cursed with survival, and some it is my gift. Today it is my curse. Tomorrow it will be my gift. I’m tired. Tomorrow I’ll still be tired, but it’ll be ok. It will all be ok.

I doubt that title is correct in my situation, but here I am blogging none the less. I’m in the midst of some hard things in my education. I’m told that the content will continue to get more difficult, but that clinicals will become easier as we mature and progress and settle into routines in assessments and care of patients. It’s amazing! I love this. I really do. I’m exhausted. I think I’ve said that a hundred times. Clinicals are not boring in the least, and each day I start out feeling completely incompetent but continue to experience and learn new things with each passing day. Work is really not bad. It’s monotonous, but my great displeasure stems from the fact that I work EVERY single weekend. I miss my little girl. She misses me. I tell her that this won’t last forever, and use this experience to stress to her the importance of graduating from college BEFORE she gets married and has children so that she won’t have to leave her children behind all the time in order to finish school and pay the bills. Hopefully this will sink in, and she will realize one day that I would always much rather be with her rather than what I’m doing. I think I’m rambling now. I have interesting things to say and thoughts and feelings to express, but my brain can’t seem to articulate them here. I’m overwhelmed and frustrated and tired and stressed and excited and so many things all at the same time. I know they’re are people out there. I would love to read your comments (good and bad, I can take it) and know that somebody is reading all of this nonsense. Take care and good night!

Hello! Hi! I’ve missed y’all! I’m sosososo sorry that I have not updated. Truly. I am. Don’t be mad at me for too long. Alot of it has to do with the fact that there is so much to tell, and I don’t know where to begin. I’ll just pick and you’ll just have to be happy with what I decide. Of course, what you don’t know you don’t know, won’t hurt you. Right?

I resigned from my job. Sounds like a really responsible thing for a single mom to do right? Not right. I’m PANICKED. Beyond that actually. I’m terrified, but ultimately I’m terrified to stay where I am. I’ve never been one to blossom in mediocrity. Go figure. What higher purpose has called my name and challenged me to be more than what I am? People. I’m here for YOU, people. I have a need to serve those around me, to help them, and hear them and hopefully make them feel better, even in a small way. What better way to do that than nursing. No, I’m not deluded. The bedpans are reeking my name already. Woohoo!

How will I survive? I don’t have a job! I have a child! a CHILD! I HAVE A CHILD!!!!! Common sense says, “Forget it. You can’t do this. You have to FEED your CHILD!” Me “Screw you, Common Sense! I will feed my child so much BETTER if I do this. AND no one will have to help me.” But ummmmm, yes, until I finish nursing school I will need help. Help! I do have an amazing support system where I am, and hopefully somehow we’ll get through this with no major catastrophies, no nervous breakdowns, and my child hopefully will not forget what I look like. (I’ll put pictures of myself where ever she may go, and whisper in her ear at night “It’s for you too, it’s for you toooooo………”) I’m excited, about graduation day. Ask me then, and I will tell you I’m excited. Besides everyone keeps saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine.” Do you think they say this because they’re not me? I’m trying not to make it hard to be me.

By the way, Europe was amazing. Did I say anything about that? I’ll figure out how to post some pictures, though they don’t convey nearly what we saw while we were there. Wow! I highly recommend a Mediterranean cruise. Yeah baby!

Two days. That’s all. Heck, it’s less than 2 days now.

In less than 2 days, I will board a plane bound for Venice, Italy. Italy, Greece, Turkey, France and Spain HERE I COME!!! Yeeehaw! I’ll be back late on July 15th. Thank God for small miracles! Who gets to do these kind of things? I’m amazed and humbled that I have this opportunity and that I can actually go.

This trip comes on the heels of being accepted to nursing school. I have been planning and preparing for that, and am falling extremely short in the area of finances. At this point, I’m standing on faith because, apparently, that’s about all I have to stand on.

Y’all don’t miss me too much. I know how much you enjoy my frequent posting. Say a prayer, and cross your fingers for school!

Bon Voyage!

Yes, that is a question mark. I am sooooooooooooo busy! There are many things going on right now. School, work, that beautiful beautiful child’o'mine, and of course my SO and family all keep me hopping hopping hopping. No, I’m not the energizer bunny. Unfortunately, every now and then my body yells at me (like with a fever or concrete in my sinus cavities), and I must come to a complete dead stop for a day or two, but then it’s back to the treadmill of life and I’m off and running. Things are good right now. Yay!

P.S. You know I might blog more if I knew somebody was reading this nonsense!

I am in limbo. I am in poetic limbo. Poetry is a release for me. Poetry adds perspective to my life. I’m certainly no poetic genius, but it is something I enjoy. The best part about being able to express myself in this way is going back later and reading what was written. The raw feelings, hardcore agony, desperation, lightness, contentment, it runs the entire gamut of naked human emotion. To be able to reread and say, “I remember that. I remember feeling that way,” is the greatest preparation I know for the next time. I know what it felt like to be hopeless, and now I can reflect and know that I’m ok. I’m ok. Go figure. When one is in the midst of tragedy, pain or heartbreak, it’s next to impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Then the morning comes, and the heartbroken stumble blindly, numbly through another day ‘til one day you awaken and the pain is less. Miracle of miracle’s one day it’s only a memory, no longer felt, in most cases. You know that it hurt, but it no longer holds onto you every step you take.

My poetic limbo….let me explain. I am very happy now. I am content with where I am going and who I’m becoming. Drama seems to be at a minimum now. Breathe. Just breathe. I don’t know what to write. I am a frozen artist. Hah! (I don’t really consider my poetry art.) I have moments of panic, because I know, I KNOW, that the world will fall apart and crumble to my feet any second. These moments are becoming fewer and farther between. What does this mean? Everything is okay. Can’t be. But it is. Today I am safe, but my past dictates that security be fleeting. I am not the same as I was then. I am finding security within myself, in my faith. Not those around me. Holy crap. I’m growing up. Now that’s a revelation to have sitting at your desk blabbering in print.

My birthday was yesterday. I am another year older, another year wiser. I have survived another a year. They keep piling on, and some are good, and some are bad, but most are both. No poetry there. If I have to experience the misery and anguish of heartbreak to find the poetry within me, then may I never write another poem.

“And the great awakening occurs
To know that you’ve given your heart away
Only for it to return bigger than life
Holding more love than the unbroken heart
Shall ever comprehend.”

We’re in the in-between. It’s after Christmas, and 3 more days till 2005. Christmas was fabulous. Only thing missing was my daughter. Shared custody sucks. Big hole. Right in the middle of my chest. Where my heart should be. But she’s home now, and all is well. I decided on my way home that I’m living 2 lives. One person, two lives. My heart is in 2 different places, but I’m the same person. Once again, here’s me, not understanding. It just is what it is. Tomorrow I’m off again. I’m a world traveler, traversing 2 whole states. But have you seen Texas? We will spend New Year’s with my family, AND my SO will be flying in to meet the fam. This is my life getting interesting. Things have been so pleasant, and I’ve felt so content (in some ways). Sometimes I recognize the child in myself all over again. Excitement over what could be, but then the grown up rears it’s ugly head of dread over what has been. To quote a poem once again:

“See this as I do and you’ll know
My past does not dictate who I’ll become
Misunderstand me not, it contributes to how I grow
Because I embrace the controversy I come from
With these steps I rise above the obstacles
That would prevent me from being all that I should
And spit in the face of the evil jackals
That wish me failure, and laugh at me, they would”

I’ve made it through another year. Each semester kicks my ass, but I’ve got calluses on my backside, so we’re good. My child is happy and healthy. She has survived. We’re good. We are good. I want to cry with relief. (Let’s see how the new year starts.)

I had a fabulous Thanksgiving. I enjoyed seeing all of my family. My child had a good time, and the best part of all of it was that she and I got to spend so much time together without school and work and shared parenting interrupting us. It was wonderful. Now my longing for school to be out is becoming insanely intense. Only 2 more weeks. This week I have a group presentation and an exam in Biology. Next week is all finals. I’m almost done. The light at the end of the tunnel is shining brightly, I just have to stay on my feet long enough to get there.

It’s funny, to think about, but I realized sitting here, just now that almost all of my time not in school is planned and accounted for. Whatever happened to down time? Seems like there’s not much of it left for me anymore. My daughter, work, school and now a Significant Other…….all of these things/people are quite demanding. Ultimately, I love it. I have not forgotten the time when I hardly knew what each day was for. I have healed through the passage of time, and I am thankful for that.

Maybe each time I post here, I will write something I am thankful for.

It is the week of Thanksgiving. How thankful I am for that! Why? I get 3 1/2 days off of school. THANK GOD! When I come back, there’s only 2 weeks of school left. THANK GOD! So you see, there is much to be grateful for. In all seriousness, there is VERY much to be thankful for, I just don’t have the energy or time to list every single thing. I’ll list a few, beginning with these:

I am thankful for my beautiful, perfect child.
I am thankful for my faith.
I am thankful for my mind.
I am thankful for my family(no matter how absent).
I am thankful for being given the most wonderful friends a person can have.
I am thankful for love.

It’s a small grouping of some of the things I am most thankful for. How vague can a list be? I reread it, and think how little that list conveys how absolutely grateful I am for each and every one.

I will be traveling this week. Going to see the fabulous fam. I’m afraid this year it will only be a small grouping, but time is worth it none the less. My mind is overactive when it comes to writing about my family, but actually putting it all into words, transposing from thoughts is a task I’ll not take on today.

It seems so sad to me that this little bitty blog in my little bitty corner of my little bitty world, is my little bitty contribution to the this great big world. So with all the millions of people connected by the great “world wide web,” two of you get it. It hit me this evening, that I bare a little bit of my soul each time I write on here, and there’s not one good reason for it. To say this seems useless, is useless. What will change about my musings, by sharing them? It takes the edge off loneliness. Here’s what I think. Here’s what I feel. There I shared it, and that is cleansing. To quote a poem:

“The road chosen for me
Will never be easy
Because it has been decided
That I can abide it”

This is my life, and it is what I can handle. No more than that. Whether I’m wrong or not, I will always be me, and be the one looking for good in everything. There’s a need to connect, and this my way of trying. Sometimes someone comes along and the connection is immediate and fierce, and just as quickly it’s gone. Maybe there’s too much energy in such a connection. The force is too much to sustain on earth, it cannot last. Scientifically, physiologically, psychologically there is a level that if you hit it, it is unsustainable, possibly too much for the human psyche. What do you think?

What induces that strange feeling that something is not quite right? that feeling that you have done something horribly wrong? Maybe, it’s only brought on by the feeling the day before that nothing could be more right. It’s a roller coaster. My life is a roller coaster, and I’ve just learned to live with the adrenaline and the nausea. We’re crawling back up the hill now, with the anticipation that once we hit the top, it’s all back down from there. One day was someone will read this crap, and say “This makes sense to me.” Ha!

I hope everyone I know has a fabulous weekend, but also, I hope everyone I don’t know has a fabulous weekend. Fabulousity is contagious. Let’s spread some around. Fall is finally rolling in around here, slowly but surely. Good grief, it’s about time.

I heard a story yesterday about a young couple. They had only been married for 4 months when he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. They were very much in love, and she proceeded to describe their last moments together. She was lying in bed with him holding him. He had been very very sick on that particular day, and by this point was even too weak to talk. She whispered in his ear that the next day they would stay in bed all day and watch movies, and he smiled at her and went to sleep. She awoke about 2a.m. feeling a change in the air. Her words, “his soul was no longer in the room.” I’m beginning to cry as I type this, but I had to share it. She then said that she had never once, not one time, ever thought that he would leave her. She never thought he would die.

As she was baring her soul, and laying naked before us one of the most monumental moments in her life, my heart started to break for her. It was like peeking inside of a door none of us ever wants to walk through, but we’re never given the choice. You could feel her pain, and taste her sadness, even if it was only a fraction. That is real humanity.

We’ve all been there whether it’s enduring unimaginable grief, or unfathomable joy, or those completey human feelings like pain, rejection, contentment, peace………..when you share it with someone else, suddenly you’re no longer alone, and the world doesn’t seem so big.

Sometimes the sadness is unbearable, and you wake up one more day to find you must bear it all over again. Take pleasure in the sunrise. Notice the child in the store, and smile. Listen, you can hear. Feel a breeze take your breath away.

It’s just a day, but it’s what we have. Let’s make the best of it.

Life is good. School is tough. Parenthood, well, lately I seem to live in constant guilt. This too shall pass. My child will recover from this small bout of deprivation. We miss each other. We miss each other desperately. I miss her much more than she could think of missing me, but I know she misses me. Conversation from the other day:

“Mommy, I wish you would quit school.”

(me cringing, my gut twisting, wanting to sob for not giving my child much needed attention)

“Aw, honey, it’s just for a little while. Just 2 more months and we’ll have christmas break.”

“Where am I going tonight?” (my child wondering which of her babysitters she will be staying with)

We will survive this. I wish my family were here so she go to the SAME person every night. This is painful. These are true growing pains.

Several interesting things have happened since last post. Everything is fine. The “thing” that hurt me. It’s past and no longer hurts. I got through my exams. Did great on 2 and should’ve done better on the third. I will next time. Seems as though I set my focus in life, and something from the past comes up and takes hold. I had an old dream renewed this week, and shot down faster than you can blink. I’m not completely ready to let it go again, but odds are not in my favor. Ultimately, the way I see it, it is my decisions that brought me to where I am right now, and life is what it is. Whatever happens will be okay. I will be happy NO MATTER what happens. My current focus can remain the same, and I will still be me.

Three exams this week. Yick. Truly the only thing tougher about this semester than the others is the schedule, but certainly not the classes. Keep your fingers crossed, and hope I don’t kick myself in the behind for that comment later. I had a bitter sweet weekend. I visited my family this weekend, and had a wonderful time. It was emotional for me to leave. When I’m with them, it’s in my face how much I need them and miss them. I want my family. I want them here with me, and I want them NOW!

The bitter part of the weekend? Maybe you can tell from previous postings that I tend to be very vague about the things that hurt me. It’s part of my coping mechanism. It does get better, so why record it? Pain will be a constant in life. I accept it. I do not embrace pain, but I have learned to embrace growth and wisdom. I’m so far from perfect. I know many of you out there are shocked by this. Believe me, I am as disappointed as you are. I’ll work on perfection and see how far I get. I certainly have my idiosyncrasies, and my damaged spots. “What do you mean damaged spots?” Put me in a particular situation, and even I’m not sure how I will react or feel. So many behaviours are conditioned, and many of mine are quite defensive and protective of the areas I’m most vulnerable. How do you get over these things? I’m not sure. Maybe knowing something is not right is the first step, but what the hell is the second step? You feel the way you feel whether it’s right or wrong. If I can say to myself “the way I’m feeling right now is wrong…how should I feel?”, and then on top of that change the way I feel….well…..Oh my stars I will have found one of the secrets of the universe. Maybe not, but sometimes that’s the way I feel.